


And Isn't That The Saddest Thing You Ever Heard?

by wheredoyougowhenyougoquiet



Series: Trauma [1]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Not A Happy Ending, Past Abuse, Trauma, none of the abuse is on screen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 23:59:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8643235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wheredoyougowhenyougoquiet/pseuds/wheredoyougowhenyougoquiet
Summary: "The third day Ichigo wakes up to rain he sits on the window's ledge with his long legs dangling towards the ground, and a laugh claws its way out of his throat. This is pathetic and everything he never wanted to be."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Part of my gross series wherein characters deal with trauma in unhealthy ways. Ichigo has been physically abused in this one, but it is off screen and therefore not very graphic. The last section has implied suicide, but again, it is not graphic. 
> 
> Also, I like to use run on sentences and commas like they're going out of style.

I.

He's got all this pent up anger he uses to his side's, the good side's, advantage during the war. He slashes down hollows, pummels weaker beings to the ground, cracks skulls in between his silent promises to himself of 'never again'. Until one morning he wakes up and knows something has changed. Ichigo can feel a deep seated ache in his bones that makes him want to curl into himself and ignore the hands attempting to pry him open, so he goes off in search of Kenpachi knowing that he should want to fight. He should want to let out the anger he can't let slip anywhere else because if he did it would become clear that it's not really so much anger as it is an old hurt, a hurt that's been sloppily stitched together, and no matter how much Ichigo tries to heal it, it never stops hurting. 

As soon as Kenpachi goes to punch him and he is frozen Ichigo knows, and just like that his life is over. Not over like he thought it was when he was finished him, but over in the sense that he will be disposed of because he can no longer fight. If he can't fight he is of no use to anyone, nobody wants dead weight on their side, nobody wants a weird kid who will freeze up when someone goes to hit him because the truth of the matter is that no one on either side will stop to ask him if he needs a break during a fight, or if touching him will set off a rotting on his insides. Nobody will know that when they ask Ichigo why he's acting like such a victim it's because he is one. Or maybe he's a survivor, it's hard to say when there's too much shame in just figuring out the language. 

He runs away. He's so disappointed in himself, but running away is easier than letting his precious people see him hurt so openly, and this isn't the type of hurt you can hide when it's so plain to see. He wonders how they couldn't see it in the beginning. He leaves three separate notes for his sisters and father, packs a suitcase, and grabs the fake ID Kon had obtained once long ago whilst in his body, leaves quietly in the middle of the night. Ichigo has never felt more like a coward in his life, but at least now he can hurt in private where it will only hurt himself to be so raw. 

The hotel is a nice one located two cities away that he uses the fake ID to book three weeks in and taps into his college fund to pay for. He won't be going anyway. He had tried so hard in his academic life to do well so that he could get into med school, but in the end the war had taken up too much of his time. His grades slipped and slipped and slipped until there was no repairing the damage. Ichigo lets himself feel a swell of sadness bubble in his chest. He had really wanted to be a doctor.

II.

He stays in bed for the first week. He gets up to use the bathroom and eat, but never more than that. He cries a lot too. He cries for his loss of self; but mostly the loss of the anger that kept him busy enough that he never had to think of what happened to him, the anger that kept him hard enough to crust over the hurt. 

III.

The second week the sky opens and it absolutely pours. Ichigo leaves the windows wide open so he can feel the harsh cold cutting, biting, into his numbness. He cries silently, this time the rain pelting over the city can serve as an outward reflection of his inner mind as the rain roars on. The second day it rains Ichigo throws on a hoodie and leaves the safety of his hotel, circles the block, then ventures off in a wider circle around the city letting the rain soak into his bones. The intense feeling unraveling under his skin feels so good, he walks until it gets so dark out he can barely see two feet in front of himself. When he sludges through the lobby the desk clerk observes him with a downtrodden pitiful stare, one that says 'I understand' and 'it's time to move on now baby'. So Ichigo bites down on his lip on the elevator ride up to his room and forces his tears to evaporate. 'Time to move on baby'. 

The third day Ichigo wakes up to rain he sits on the window's ledge with his long legs dangling towards the ground, and a laugh claws its way out of his throat. This is pathetic and everything he never wanted to be.

IV. 

The third week comes around quicker than Ichigo expected and there is no happy ending. He expects his father to come knocking at his door to drag him back home and fix everything like his dead mother would have done; but that doesn't happen, so he expects the task to fall upon his friends, but they never come.

There will be no fairy tale ending for him. It is becoming quite clear every hour that nobody is going to come to Ichigo's rescue, and isn't that the saddest thing you ever heard when all he's ever done is come to theirs? 

V. 

Ichigo sits back on the window's ledge with his long legs dangling towards the ground, shimmies his hips off little by little, lets gravity pull his weary body down, down, down.


End file.
